Monday, March 31, 2008

You get it...

So, one of my classroom children had one of those moments last week when she "just got it." I was going over a new standard of doubles and doubles plus one in math. I asked the kids what 6+6 was and without missing a beat, she said "12." Now, most of you are probably thinking that this is no big feat, but for this girl it is. She has been a struggler all year. Then, she procedes to go over the entire doubles family, just smiling away as she did it. I started to cry. She had it! It's one of those moments in the life of a teacher when you get so excited because holy moly... they ARE listening! I loved it. I say all this in movement into what this whole scenerio made me think of. So many times I get these "A-ha" moments with God. I really feel like God is like "duh Nikki, I have been trying to teach you this. I am so excited you finally got it!" If only I could have the faith of a child every day in every situation, my life would be so much easier. My classroom kids trust me whole-heartedly that I am going to teach them everything they need to know and even if I have already taught it before, they still listen like it's the first time, and learn something from it! Why can't I be like this?
I am reading a book called "Dangerous Wonder." It's all about finding your childlike faith. I was on the chapter about Wide-Eyed Listening and came across this quote. I absolutely loved it and wanted to share it with you. My prayer today is that we can all find God in our lives and love him with a childlike love.
"A four year old was overheard whispering into her newborn baby brother's ear, 'Baby,' she whispers, 'tell me what God sounds like. I am starting to forget.'"

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Say Yes to the Dress?

Today was a unproductive and lazy Sunday. The kind of days I really love! I honestly slept most of the day but I did lay on the couch and watch TLC's "Say Yes to the Dress." If you haven't seen this show, it profiles girls who are looking for a wedding dress. It takes place in New York City at Kleinfeld Bridal Shop, an amazing place with millions of wedding dresses. A girl could get lost in the taffeta, satin, and sparkles of that place. I absolutely love the show. But, as I was watching it, I started getting a little panicky. I could hardly remember what my dress looked like! It has been a few months since I have seen it and I started worrying that maybe I made the wrong decision with the dress I picked out! So I immediately pulled out my computer and went to the website my dress is on to take a breather and see it again! I was watching these girls pure crying over the dress when they put it on... and I just didn't have that experience! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my dress (why else would I have chosen it?) but I just got worried maybe I should have cried! Maybe I will cry when I see it again in April with the veil, and the shoes, and the tiara. Maybe I am just getting worried because the wedding is 3 months away and there is still so much to do! So, I titled this blog "Say Yes to the Dress?" because right now I am going crazy wondering if I said "yes" to the right dress!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Take it to Jesus

I knelt on the cold carpeted floor of a hotel ballroom last night and met my Jesus face to face. He passed me as I prayed fervently for a peace and understanding. I lifted my hands to Him in utter still and awe. I needed comfort. I needed to hear His voice. I sang out to Him, telling Him that there is and was no one like Him. He took my broken, hurting heart and molded it. I remember looking up as the Archbishop brought the monstrance by my humbled body and thinking that this was an awesome experience that other religions just don't get. How amazing that we can truly believe without a shadow of a doubt that when Jesus said "this is My body" it really is just that. He did not say, "just pretend this is My body." He said "this IS my body, take and eat." Oh.. how I get chills just thinking that he was right in front of me last night! Jesus, the "lover of my soul," the "most Holy Lamb of God," and the "Great I Am" passed in front of me! I could truly understand how the woman in the new testament felt when she just wanted to touch his garmets to be healed. How I would have done the same thing just to be close to my Lord!
As the Eucharist passed my way, I stared directly at the blessed body of Christ. I cried out to Him my prayer that has become my anthem lately. "Please Lord, take our annullment. Bless it, burn into the hearts of the men in charge. I want badly to be married in my church."
I have been torn. Yes, I sit here with a complete love for my church, but a hurt for the things that must be done for me to get married. I know that it is acceptable for me to be angry and upset with the religion that has defined me since birth. I can love my religion but still be hurt. This process is draining. I hate looking for other churches to get married in. I want my church. I want the church that has meant so much to me. The church that I sat in for years dreaming about the dress, the priest, the man. While I could never see Scott's face, I thought of this day since I was old enough to see over the pew! And now, this might not come to pass and my heart is in a million pieces. Until today. I gave it. It is not mine. When Jesus walked by me last night, I threw it at Him. I pushed it and moved it right into His hands. What can I do with it?
I will continue to pray for this. But for now, it has moved into a world I do not understand with my earthly thoughts.
I will be married in my church. Jesus has taken it.