I knelt on the cold carpeted floor of a hotel ballroom last night and met my Jesus face to face. He passed me as I prayed fervently for a peace and understanding. I lifted my hands to Him in utter still and awe. I needed comfort. I needed to hear His voice. I sang out to Him, telling Him that there is and was no one like Him. He took my broken, hurting heart and molded it. I remember looking up as the Archbishop brought the monstrance by my humbled body and thinking that this was an awesome experience that other religions just don't get. How amazing that we can truly believe without a shadow of a doubt that when Jesus said "this is My body" it really is just that. He did not say, "just pretend this is My body." He said "this IS my body, take and eat." Oh.. how I get chills just thinking that he was right in front of me last night! Jesus, the "lover of my soul," the "most Holy Lamb of God," and the "Great I Am" passed in front of me! I could truly understand how the woman in the new testament felt when she just wanted to touch his garmets to be healed. How I would have done the same thing just to be close to my Lord!
As the Eucharist passed my way, I stared directly at the blessed body of Christ. I cried out to Him my prayer that has become my anthem lately. "Please Lord, take our annullment. Bless it, burn into the hearts of the men in charge. I want badly to be married in my church."
I have been torn. Yes, I sit here with a complete love for my church, but a hurt for the things that must be done for me to get married. I know that it is acceptable for me to be angry and upset with the religion that has defined me since birth. I can love my religion but still be hurt. This process is draining. I hate looking for other churches to get married in. I want my church. I want the church that has meant so much to me. The church that I sat in for years dreaming about the dress, the priest, the man. While I could never see Scott's face, I thought of this day since I was old enough to see over the pew! And now, this might not come to pass and my heart is in a million pieces. Until today. I gave it. It is not mine. When Jesus walked by me last night, I threw it at Him. I pushed it and moved it right into His hands. What can I do with it?
I will continue to pray for this. But for now, it has moved into a world I do not understand with my earthly thoughts.
I will be married in my church. Jesus has taken it.
As the Eucharist passed my way, I stared directly at the blessed body of Christ. I cried out to Him my prayer that has become my anthem lately. "Please Lord, take our annullment. Bless it, burn into the hearts of the men in charge. I want badly to be married in my church."
I have been torn. Yes, I sit here with a complete love for my church, but a hurt for the things that must be done for me to get married. I know that it is acceptable for me to be angry and upset with the religion that has defined me since birth. I can love my religion but still be hurt. This process is draining. I hate looking for other churches to get married in. I want my church. I want the church that has meant so much to me. The church that I sat in for years dreaming about the dress, the priest, the man. While I could never see Scott's face, I thought of this day since I was old enough to see over the pew! And now, this might not come to pass and my heart is in a million pieces. Until today. I gave it. It is not mine. When Jesus walked by me last night, I threw it at Him. I pushed it and moved it right into His hands. What can I do with it?
I will continue to pray for this. But for now, it has moved into a world I do not understand with my earthly thoughts.
I will be married in my church. Jesus has taken it.
No comments:
Post a Comment